Dimension 1 – Ego Functioning and Defenses

Before we grew up and developed an adult, intimate relationship with another person, we were all individuals who were learning about ourselves and the world around us. This learning took place through the culture in which we were raised, and through our childhood life experiences. These positive and negative interactions with others, gave us a sense of being loved and cared for, or a sense that we were not. The way we were treated plus our interpretation of life events formed a foundation of either building safe, solid, and loving relationships, or troubled ones. It is these learnings about love and safety, or the lack thereof, that help to create a solid, core of lovingness, or a foundation that is fragile and defensive that we bring into our adult intimate relationships. This, of course, is not a black or white issue. Human beings are very complex, and our ability to learn, grow, and change is a lifelong process. In psychology, we have termed the phrase, “The good enough parent.” This means that the parent or caregiver was sufficiently emotionally and physically present and supportive for enough of the child’s needs to be met. When not enough of the child’s basic needs are met, the child often develops an unsafe view of the world. They create within themselves ways in which they are able to cope with the uncertainty of their environment. We call these ways ego defenses. They are ubiquitous to all people and are the main ways in which our egos operate. Our egos create these defenses subconsciously, and it is what the ego believes it needs to keep us safe, in our bodies, and within our intimate relationships. Understanding how our egos, and ego-defenses operate helps enormously in creating intimate loving relationships with our partner.